My Amrita Initation with Charles Muir

      In Sanskrit, Amrita translates to the nectar of the gods which is believed to bring about healing and immortality. Amrita is also a favored term for female ejaculate or "squirting" in the tantra community.
     In tantric lovemaking, the goal-- if there is one-- is to have no goals. The practice is to surrender into each wave of sexual energy without trying to force or hold back truth as it unfolds, in each breath.
     Initially, when men learn that orgasm and ejaculation are separate events, they often get so focused on non-ejaculation, they are taken out of the moment.
     Conversely, tantric women often pressure themselves to experience multiple, whole body or copious orgasms. Admittedly, practicing presence while learning, stretching, and becoming, is a delicate edge. The following tale illustrates my personal dance between evolving my sexual potential and authentically accepting my current capacity.
      In my 15 years of tantric exploration, I have loved many female ejaculators. I had the privileged of empowering and supporting women through their first squirts and have written, taught and even performed on the subject --yet never experienced it myself. 
     When I first learned about Amrita, I accepted that my orgasmic response had it's own wisdom, in it's own time. Then I watched as workshops, videos and sessions for women to learn to Amrita were becoming increasingly popular, as if it were some new craze or a tantric party trick. I struggled to remain patient with my body. And then the scale tipped and I could no longer ignore the impulse to experience more...

      Tantra theater is a collective of artists, healers and teachers who do performance art to transmute sexual guilt, shame and fear into healing and liberation. During our first show, I challenged the troupe to explore their orgasmic experiences onstage, then I watched as SEVEN of my closest sisters wrote intimate poetry about their initiation into their sacred waters. I was the only woman, out of the entire group who had never ejaculated.
    Thus began a phase of looking at my orgasmic response as if there was a problem. Perhaps I was too self conscious, too young, too eager, I thought. Perhaps I'm afraid of peeing on my partners, sleeping in the wet spot or just not built that way. After numerous sessions with experienced sexual healers, who showed me how my sacred spot would swell and tent with fluids, but instead of coming out, they were suspected to be reabsorbed into my bladder after sex. (This may also explain why I have the most delicious sensations while urinating immediately after sex.) To no avail. I decided to accept I was a "soaker" not a "squirter."

     The next cosmic coincidence occurred when Tantra Master Charles Muir recently came to San Diego for his The Art of Conscious Loving weekend which features a profound initiation into sacred spot massage. (The workshop is titled after his his book co-authored by Carolyn Muir.) Charles is a legend in tantra history. He is lovingly known as the god father of western Tantra, and in effect, has been practicing Tantra Yoga for about as long as I've been alive.
      I was excited to be hosting his weekend workshop, but I had never directly experienced his teachings.  Of course I was familiar with Charles's work through his students who are my friends and mentors: Baba Dez, Francoise, TJ Bartell, Shawn Roop, Mare Simone to name a few. So, I decided to schedule a private session to test his medicine. I had NO idea what BIG medicine I was about to get.
     We started our session outside by the pool on a sunny afternoon. Charles reminded me that as a leader who takes such good care of my son, my lovers and my clients, it is paramount that I let myself be taken care of.  He also offered to share teachings that would be just for me to practice, not to be given to my students (or written about in this blog.)
      After laying his magic hands on my back and shoulders, he stroked my body, facilitated my stretching and tracked my energy patterns. His touch was adept and his movement confident as we practiced eye gazing, breathing and massage.  His expert diagnostic is that I am a "control freak." This is not news to me, but it is certainly not something people usually say to my face.  He went on to say "You would experience more surrender if you learned to love the world from your root." Which I understood to mean: I would be less controlling if I had more anal sex.
      He then proceeded to relax, open and re-assemble my energetic body, from the inside out. Meanwhile, he asked me to surrender, breath, retain, sound, and scream, until I completely let go of control. My arms were tingling, my body was shaking, my heart was flooded with everything I was afraid to feel. "I gotcha" He says, as he supported me into a standing position.  With my shaking body leaning on his sturdy shoulder, I felt totally safe. This is what trust feels like. And in that moment, like a flash, I realize I do not trust enough.
      "I have been underestimating everyone around me," I said. Charles assured me that I may have had my reasons for trying to control myself and others in the past, but it was time to upgrade my nervous system so that I can love people for who they are, now.

     As he called me into the present moment, and gave me permission to express everything I felt, a sudden and strange primal energy overtook my body.  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my own reflection in a mirror: I was squatting and growling like the fierce Deity Kali.  I felt like I did when I was giving birth. I felt free, fully alive and totally natural, like a wild animal. I felt half goddess, half animal and all woman.
     And then it happened...Like raindrops falling from a clear sky.
     I marveled and laughed while Charles anointed my heart and forehead with my sweet feminine nectar.
     Amrita is an act of grace, like a kundalini awakening, it cannot be expected or forced. But in Charles' presence I witnessed over a dozen women have similar openings in the course of the week. I believe Charles has the capacity to transmitt, and initiate with a mystical power of shakti-pat. And in his absence, the experience has only continued to deepen within my body and in my community.
     Perhaps the most profound transformation occurred among the men who Charles initated into the sacred spot, yoni massage ritual. While Leah Alchin masterfully lead a sacred circle amongst all the sisters, Charles took the men aside and managed to turn a room full of eager strangers into loving healers who wanted to make up for all the wrongs that had ever been committed against women.
     Such sexual awakenings offer multi-dimensional benefits. Beyond the pleasure, freedom and confidence that comes from ejaculating, I have been experiencing new levels of creative energy. My juices have been channeled into poetry, dance, and performance art.  Friends and lovers who received similar transmissions are reporting increased inspiration towards their love life, work, and even math!?   My prayer for the tantra community is that we support each other in raising our collective sexual vibration and direct it towards the service and healing of the planet.    
      Charles Muir is currently in town for a few more days and available for private sessions. He works primarily with students and teachers who've already done his level 1 training, but if you live here in San Diego and have tantra experience through me, I would be happy to recommend you. Also, mark your calendar for these upcoming events with Charles and Leah Alchin in San Diego:
Nov. 18-20th Conscious Loving Weekend
1st weekend of Feb. 2012, Intermediate weekend
March 3-4 of 2012 for a Conscious Loving Weekend
Also note Charles will be the keynote at TantraPalooza on 12/12/12!!
If you feel called to join us for any of the above, please write kalidas@gmail.com or go to http://www.blisscoach.com/