"Poly" is more than Polyamorous.

     I recently made a public declaration of my relationship status on Facebook. I announced to the world I had (gulp) 9 "Poly" lovers. For most my devoted readers, that may not be news, yet it has filled my inbox with questions such as:

• How does that work?
• Do they know each other?
• How do you manage your time?
• Do you have sex with all of them?
• And my personal favorite question: What's the application process?

    These questions inspire me to share some valuable distinctions about my style of open relating. First, I want to explain why I prefer the prefix "Poly" to Polyamorous.
      By it's most essential definition, Poly is a Greek term that means: Many, much or more than one. According to some definitions (and people, like my mom,) it can also indicate having an excessive or abnormal number or amount.

      It's important to know that within the cultural context of the Poly community, Poly implies deep, meaningful, long term connections with friends and lovers with an explicit agreement that everyone is openly informed of all other parties involved.

      When "Poly" is combined with a variety of suffixes, it can form the following words which indicate distinctly different intentions, so being "Poly" can include and transcend the following:

• Polyamory: It's about Love
• Poly Sensual: It's about pleasure
• Poly Sexual: It's about sacred union
• Poly fidelity: it's about commitment

      In different relationships, at different times, I may define myself as any combination of the above. This short list makes it easy to see that someone who is polyamorous could even be celibate and is not necessarily polysexual. Personally, I tend to be polyamorus with everyone, but am very selective about who I move into sensuality or sexuality with. If you must know, I'm only having intercourse with several of my lovers, but enjoy cuddling, kissing, petting and sometimes even oral sex with the others. In my heart, I am open to the possibility of moving deeper into sexuality with any of my poly lovers if the desire arises.
      My highest ideal of Poly is to show up in every moment open to the truth of the relationship and letting that unfold organically in consideration and consent of all parties involved. In this model, the relationship is authentic instead of an obligatory fulfillment of social expectations.

      In practice, I am simultaneously engaged in emotional, sexual, intellectual, and/or spiritual relationships with people who also know and love each other. My style of relating tends to look like a cloud, a pod or a constellation. I especially enjoy being included when my lovers are sharing love and sensuality with each other.

     However, not all of my lovers consider themselves as part of a pod. Each individual has unique and dynamic inter-relationships. Some of them have limiting restrictions and boundaries with the others (such as between the straight men.) Some of them have never even met (especially since I've got lovers in LA, San Francisco, Portland, New york, Sedona.) Conversely, my lovers may have other lovers I have never met, or (gasp) I don't like. At different times, my lovers may chose to practice polyfidelity (aka polyexclusivity) where they agree to be sexually active only with certain members of the group. This beautiful and sometimes necessary structure is a closed system that may help lovers build or restore trust and/or experience. Currently, I am practicing Poly inclusively and am open to expanding my deep authentic connections.

      The running joke on Facebook is: So what's the application process?  As a minimum requirement, my lovers have to be experienced at:

• Transparent Communication, 
• No drama, 
• Safe sex,
• Connection to Self and Spirit.

     Beyond these basic pre-requisites, it's a matter of chemistry, timing and the grace of God.

     For clarification:
     There are a number of cultural misunderstandings about the Poly label.      

     Perhaps the most hotly debated distinction is between Poly and swinging (aka the Lifestyle.) In swinging, primary partners agree to engage in recreational sex which is casual and not necessarily emotional. In my experience, there is a large overlap between communities.  Swingers will often fall in love with each other, and  many poly people will often experiment at swing parties. 
     Polyamory is also mistaken with Polygymy: one man married with multiple wives (which is an arrangement which unfortunately historically doesn't always involve consent of all parties involved.)
    Even more confusion arises when the prefix Poly is confused with Pan, Omni or Bi. Pansexuality or Omnisexuality is when someone has the potential for sexual attraction towards all sexual identities, genders or orientations. Also referred to as gender blind or gender queer. Which is different still than Bisexuality because it transcends the attraction to two genders and includes people who fall outside the gender binary.
      It's also important to note that people can be Polyamorous and single, or in primary relationship with self or spirit.
      And finally, I want to celebrate the Poly-curious. If you are looking for alternative relationship paradigms, and thinking outside the box, it may take some experimenting to find out what really turns you on. It is OK to think you MIGHT be polyamous, and as long as your honest, I think everyone could benefit from trying it out for a month, a year or a lifetime. I hereby dedicate this blog post to the poly-curious. I look forward to hearing your comments and questions!
     Closing Disclaimer:
      Obviously, there are many variations on types of agreements used by different relationships and I have no intention to speak for all "poly" individuals and families. Ultimately each individual has to label and define themselves, and there are even disagreements about terms and labels amongst my lovers.